Archive for Category ‘bla bla bla‘

The bank saga continued (concluded?)

OR How to expedite dealings with [INSERT BANK NAME] in one easy step.

1. Go into a bank branch and tell them you are closing the account and that you would like them to cancel the credit card applications that have now been pending for four months. They will beg you not to close the account (which you will accede to, if only to avoid the spectacle of making a rotund Bahraini man with braces cry) even when you say that you have arranged for your salary to be deposited into an account with a competing bank. You may assume at this point that, given their insistence that the only thing holding up the credit card issuing was the fact that you had not yet made frequent enough deposits, had not provided sufficient bank statements, pay slips and stool samples and please would you give us one more chance we can change we swear we can, that this would be the last of it and you could move on with your life, free of [INSERT BANK NAME].

Your credit cards (3) will arrive by courier, unannouced, in 8-10 working days.

Two drunken ‘conversations’ I had last night

1. With the American Navy guy:

“so you know with American cultural hegemony through movies and rock and roll and McDonalds and shit, you have this huge pool of good will that you could be tapping into but somehow you keep fucking it up”

2. With the Tunisian Microsoft Guy:

“dude, Windows 7 is so much better! Why did they release Vista anyway? What was that about? Are they crazy? Man I love being able to resize windows just by dragging them. That completes me as a human being.”

Sources reveal that at no point did either of these gentlemen get to contribute to the conversation underway. And I was gesticulating. You know how I do.

Due to popular (ie one) demand


Kia ora koutou,

For those of you currently (or thinking of) banking with the [INSERT BANK NAME HERE], I thought I’d bring to your attention to an important fact:

[INSERT BANK NAME HERE] needs to know, in advance, if you are going on holiday outside of Bahrain.

If you fail to do so, then do something so rash as use your ATM card (at an [INSERT BANK NAME HERE] ATM no less) overseas, you may find that your card is cancelled. To be fair, they will try and call you to confirm that this person using your card, with your PIN, is in fact you; but should they be unable to contact you (say, because you are out of the country) they will assume your card has been stolen (without waiting for you to inform them of this) and put a hold on it.

Walking into an [INSERT BANK NAME HERE] branch with card in hand, thus (one would think) proving its essential unstolenness, will NOT be a sufficient prompt for them to unblock your card, and a two week (so far) saga of “don’t call us we’ll call you, tomorrow, we promise” will ensue.

To update you all on this fascinating tale of intrigue, today I went into [INSERT BANK NAME HERE] to close my account and I think I just about made a grown man cry. Such is the nature of the Current Economic Climate™.

Here’s another thing that I didn’t know was a thing

but that I almost bought tonight:

A man almost sold me one earlier this evening, when I made the mistake of walking past the souq on the way home.

It has all the bandwagon jumping emasculating hipsterness of a ukelele, with none of the redeeming emasculating hipsterness of a ukelele. I could be like the guy who shows up to a rollerblading slamdown (I believe that’s the official term) wearing 20 year old rollerskates. Except in the times before the retro craze made that cool (but not so far back as to predate the invention of the rollerblade).

Anyway I’m totally going to go back and buy it when I have less happy hour in me.


Because I know better.

This is how I imagine the conversation at Bu Ali International Headquarters went:

BOSS: We need a new slogan, something punchy, something fresh, something authentic, something that says “we are here which is to say that we, as a company, exist”. Also mention the outdoor catering.


From ambisinistrous

implied subtext: what are you going to do about it?

Send To: All staff

Or, things you should think very carefully about doing.

I have been having some issues with my bank lately. Issues that I like to frame in a blackly comic manner.
I decided that others probably needed to know about my misfortunes, so as to avoid a similar fate, and perhaps chuckle at my futile attempts to get at my money. So I composed a wee anecdote and fired it off into the ether, employing the scattershot that is the title of this post.

Somebody enjoyed my email so much, that they forwarded it, verbatim, with my name, phone number and email address on it, to the manager of this bank (a pretty severe breach of basic email etiquitte IMO). It did not speak in flattering terms of his business or service.

I fear I have made a powerful enemy.

Have you ever wondered…

What this blog would be like if instead of sporadic ramblings it was updated daily but really really short?

Well wonder no more!

Not sure why.

A Friday the Thirteenth question

Is it considered bad luck if you’re out walking and you don’t see a black cat and you almost stand on the black cat and the cat runs away in fright and almost gets run over by a guy driving into a carwash?

Just checking.

How to choose an appropriate movie for an airport departure lounge

1. Make sure that the movie contains graphic, realistic violence – guns, explosions, get it all in there.

2. The more times the word ‘fuck’ is shouted in a given minute, the better.

3. If its 1.55am, make sure the volume is turned up loud, the better to hear the machine gun fire and screams of the bereaved. You don’t want anyone nodding off.

3. Wait, since when did we show movies in departure lounges anyway?

I can only assume the good folks at Dubai International Airport ran through a similar process to this when deciding to screen Battle for Haditha at us while we waited for our flight. At 2 in the morning.

NB: its quite possibly a very good and important film, but people running around screaming FUCK FUCK FUCK and then shooting each other is not a great start to any plane journey.

a slight redaction

sentences from the last post that would have had quotes on them, had I been able to locate the key:

“misunderstanding” in the fingers in the air quotation marks sense


“Crazy are you crazy I love you I kill you.” in that it was a direct quotation.