Ten Superman comic plots I’ve thought of, that have probably already been done.

1. Superman gets a puppy. The puppy is made of Kryptonite.

2. Lex Luthor injects Superman with nanobots. Which are made of Kryptonite.

3. Lex Luthor puts a lump of Kryptonite in a pillow case and totally goes to town on Superman with it.

4. Superman breaks a fluroescent lightbulb, flooding the room with Krypton gas. He panics momentarily until he realises that actually Krypton gas has no relation to Kryptonite which is totally made up.

5. Lex Luthor sends Clark Kent an anonymous bunch of super-flowers, with a return address. Clark sends a thankyou note to the address, but Lex, knowing Clark’s movements, replaces the mailbox with one made of Kryptonite.

6. Lex Luthor gives Superman some candy. Or Kandy. Because its made of Kryptonite. This gives Superman a Kavity. When he goes to the dentist to have it filled, the dentist is actually Lex Luthor and fills his tooth with Kryptonite.

7. Although deadly in large quantities, Superman realises that a small dose of Kryptonite, cut with a base mineral such as biKarbonate Soda, actually makes him feel ‘kinda funny and cool’. What begins as a recreational flirtation with Kryptonite intoxication (or “greening”) soon becomes an addiction. In no time at all Superman is starting each super-day by smoking unrefined Kryptonite off tin-foil, just to feel ‘normal’. After waking up in an alleyway with a nose bleed and soaked in super-urine (with a vague recollection of destroying Wayne Manor with his heat vision), Superman enrols in a 12 step program. Unfortunately it is run by Lexcorp and the 12th step is Kryptonite.

8. Superman ruthlessly slaughters scores of Crytpozoologists, before realising that the word is spelled with a C and has nothing to do with nefarious schemes to breed a race of super-strong Kryptonite imbued Gorilla warriors. His misdirected murder spree distracts him for long enough for Lex Luthor to breed a race of super-strong Kryptonite imbued Gorilla warriors

9. Superman specifically asks the pizza place not to put any Kryptonite on his pizza. When his pizza arrives, it totally has fucking Kryptonite all over it. The delivery guy tells him to stop being such a pussy and just pick it off.

10. Superman spends an entire comic book sitting in his fortress of solitude, grappling with his deep seated feelings of abandonment for being sent into space by his parents. Then something happens involving Kryptonite.

2 Comments. Leave a comment or send a Trackback.
  1. #1 • Molly Dean said on May 12 2009:

    Hey! This is Graham’s girlfriend. He just made me read this. It’s great. AND he does know Ian Sattler. We went to Hooters with him last night and got drunk on Jager shots.

  2. #2 • والجبن والبازلاء said on May 12 2009:

    Oh Graham, the lengths you’ll go to convince me you have a girlfriend and know comic book people. As if there’s a drink called “Jager”.